Madness, The Kinks, Bad News, The Clash, Sex Pistols, The Specials, Bad Manners, Blondie, The Hoosiers, Amy Winehouse, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, Bill Bailey, Desmond Dekker, Max Romeo, Good Charlotte, The Slackers, The Toasters, Adele, Jools Holland, Kirsty McCall, Mika, Motorhead, Leona Lewis, New York Dolls, Nine Below Zero, Nickleback, The Pogues, Ozzy Osbourne, Prine Buster, The Ramones, Ray Davies, S Club 7!!!, Status Quo, T-Rex, Suggs, The Who, Tracey Ullman, Pet Shop Boys, English Beat
Films
Drop Dead Fred ~ Guest House Paradiso ~ all the Bottom Lives ~ Capturing Mary ~ The History Boys ~ About A Boy ~ Carry On films they're so bad!! ~ Love Actually ~ Bring me the Head of Mavis Davis
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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
You invented tippex. Correct me if i'm wrong.
Velcro. What a ripoff.
Black beauty, now there's a dark horse
I went into the butchers the other day and the butcher said
'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'.
' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!
I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said:
'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'
I sent a pile of snow to my girlfriend the other day. She rang and i asid, @Did you get my drift?@
"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket?
They've formed The Doors!!!!!"
"I was taking the m5 out of London and some some said to me 'Put it back'
"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."
"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry -
well it would be it's a cross breed!!"
"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' -
she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"
"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.
Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"
"I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires.
Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"
"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman,
'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?'
The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!' "
Did you know that my favourite composer's Handle? Who later teamed up with hinge and bracket to form The Doors!
I was playing chess with chess champion Vladimir Kramnik and we had a black and white checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt!
I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put
funny quotes!
1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)
2. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
3. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
4. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)
7. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical."
(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
8. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
(Greg Norman)
9. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
10. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
11. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
13. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
14. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall Radio 5 live)
15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh My God! What have I just said?!!!"
(US PGA Commentator)
16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown."
(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
17. "That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it."
(Kevin Keegan, ex-England manager and player)
18. 'Well you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that'
(Desmond Lynam - ex BBC presenter)
19. Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
20. True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked...
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
...
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard
FATHER TED QUOTES
Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?
Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?
John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops!
(pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
BOTTOM QUOTES
Richie: Haven't you got through to the Pope yet?
Dave Hedgehog: [looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G."
Richie: What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."!
Dave Hedgehog: J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.
1 Who are you?.......
2. Are we friends?........
3. When and how did we meet?........
4. Do you hav a crush on me?.........
5. Would u kiss me?.......
6. Give me a nikname and explain why?........
7. Describe me in 1 word........
8. what was ur first impression ov me?.......
9. do u still fink the same?......
10. What reminds u ov me?.....
11. If you could giv me anything wot wod it b?......
12. How well do u no me?......
13. Whens the last tym u saw me?.....
14. Eva wanted 2 tell me sumthing u couldnt?......
15. Are you goin 2 put dis on ur blog and c wot i say about u?.....
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